Title: Bring Me Into the Light
AUTHOR: Mistress Ace & Em
E-MAIL: rosewood@inreach.com & winter@sapphire-dragon.net
FEEDBACK: Is the butter on our bread. We write because the story begs to be told. Feedback lets us know if we struck a chord with you.
DISTRIBUTION: Our site, for the moment. When we post fully edited chapters, those can be posted elsewhere. RATING: NC-17
CATEGORY: Story: Romance, Angst
SPOILERS: As You Were
PAIRINGS: B/R/Sam, m/f, f/f
DISCLAIMER: Don't own the characters at all. (More's the pity) They belong to the Great God Joss Whedon et al. We are just borrowing them for a little bit. That's all. No BtVS characters were harmed in the writing of this fic. Well, maybe just a little.
SUMMARY: Not back for long enough. Not nearly long enough and there were too many things left up in the air. But isn't that the purpose of fan-fiction?
 

Chapter 34

Left alone, the Finns looked at one another before seeking the comfort of an embrace. They were used to conflict, it was part of their job... probably the biggest part. But the conflict was normally external and almost always physical. This... this was emotional and it took a heavy toll. Constant reassurance was probably the only thing that was going to get them through this.

Riley kissed Sam's forehead as she settled into his arms. Her head rested on his shoulder, her heart beating in tandem with his. They listened to the sounds of the house and sighed when the thumping stopped. "Think we should get dinner started?" Riley murmured into Sam's hair.

"Ah. Distraction. One of your better moves..." Solemn jade, dark and mysterious met his ploy. Sam watched his face for a minute or two before she nodded. "Anything to keep from thinking about our sister-in-law..."

There was a task that needed doing so they set themselves to it. While Sam went back into the basement for the charcoal, Riley opened the back door. He left it open, letting fresh air and sunlight into the house while he checked the grill. There were ashes in it, probably from some long-forgotten dinner. He dumped them into a sack and scoured it clean.

Sam took the rack from off the porch and carried it inside. Cleaned it until it glowed. Work kept her mind off things. Kept her mind off the fact that she might not belong... that Riley would choose Buffy over her if it came down to it.

As if he knew her mind, Riley slid her arms around Sam's waist. Pulled her back into his body and held her. "I love you," he whispered into her ear, feeling the stiff line of her back give way. "I'll always love you. Come what may."

"I know, Ry. It's just... Having a moment here. Things have happened so fast and I'm... doing your thing. Thinking too much." Sam leaned back into her arms and turned her head for a kiss. Which he gave without question or hesitation. Soft and warm, her mouth welcomed him. As she always had, ever since their first kiss. Sam held nothing back, it wasn't in her nature - nor was it in his.

Their life, once so orderly and mapped out for twenty years to come, had been turned upside down. They stood in the middle of Buffy's kitchen, in the eye of the storm and took a moment to do what they did best. To just be with one another.

When the kiss ended, Riley rubbed his nose along Sam's, smiling against her cheek. "Know what you mean. It's all I've been doing. Thinking... Being with Buffy is amazing and it's painful and it's like being on a roller coaster that never stops. Being with you... is safe. And it's strong and God... I love you."

"I love you too. Ry... if you ever end up wanting her mo-" Whatever Sam was going to say was silenced by her husband's fingertips. He pressed them over her mouth and shook his head.

"Don't go there. Not gonna happen. Not ever." There were bound to be doubts. That was a given. They were all in a situation so far outside their experience that they were all flying blind. All Riley knew for sure was he loved his wife and he loved Buffy. And they were going to make this work.

Somehow, they were going to make this work. Give Buffy... and Dawn the stability that they needed. Buffy was strong but she'd been beaten down so much by life and by death that she had very little left to give. Which left her sister without direction and that wasn't good.

*****

Upstairs, Buffy tapped on Dawn's bedroom door. Hearing a very faint acknowledgement from within, she opened the door and went inside, closing it again behind her. Dawn was curled up on her bed, clutching a pillow to her chest and obviously struggling with tears. Buffy sat on the edge of the bed and rubbed Dawn's back gently. They sat for a few minutes, silent but for Dawn's occasional sniffles. "I...I'm sorry," Dawn whispered finally. She knew it was Buffy in the room, despite the silence. Something inside her recognized her sister's presence.

"Shhh... it's okay. You should have waited for the whole story before taking issue with Sam, but no one is angry with you, Dawnie," Buffy soothed. Dawn released the pillow and turned to her sister, who gathered her into strong but gentle arms. Buffy rocked her little sister slowly, smoothing long brown hair with soft fingers.

"Wh-what do you mean?" Slightly calmer, knowing that Buffy wasn't angry.

"I mean that there's more to the story than you know yet. Two very important things have happened in the last 24 hours, and they make a big difference for us and our lives. Are you willing to listen?" Buffy waited for Dawn's nod before continuing.

"The first thing that happened was that I was offered a job. By the military, working with Riley's unit. On the condition that we'll be in Sunnydale unless a major emergency arises, I've agreed. We'll see what happens with that. It means we'll have money, the government will take care of us and see to our needs... we'll have insurance to see doctors and go to the hospital if necessary, we won't have to worry about the house and social services won't be able to take you away."

"That sounds good," Dawn agreed. "Is it dangerous?"

"No more dangerous than being the Slayer," Buffy reassured her. "I'll have full-time backup; not just Riley and Sam but a whole team."

"That's good," Dawn decided. It would take a load off her mind if she didn't have to worry about her sister being out alone every night. "What was the other thing that happened?"

Buffy tipped Dawn's chin up so that they were looking at each other before she spoke. "The other thing that happened," she told Dawn softly, "was that both Sam and Riley asked me to marry them. Both of them asked, 'marry me... marry us.' And I want to, Dawnie. I want to make them part of our family. I want us to have a big family again. It might not be legal, but that doesn't make it any less real."

Buffy paused and studied her sister, waiting for a reaction or an outburst of some kind. At first, she didn't get one. Dawn was wide-eyed and looked shocked. She opened her mouth a few times, then closed it again when her voice refused to work.

"But..." Dawn finally found her voice. "They're already married to each other. How can they marry you? And... not that I want to upset anything... but how do you know that they both want it?" Dawn pulled out of Buffy's arms and sat up, looking curious, confused, shocked, and a little guilty all at the same time.

"I know, because they both asked me independently. They didn't talk about it first... Sam asked when Riley wasn't even in the room. And Riley asked without talking to her; I could tell because he looked at her in a particular way that I'm learning means that he hopes what he's about to say won't upset things too much," Buffy explained. "As for how... we exchange rings and vows. It's binding on us, even if it's not legal. And maybe Tara would know about some kind of ceremony we might use... as far as I know, Wiccans don't forbid polygamy."

Dawn nodded thoughtfully. "She might... you could ask, I suppose." She hesitated, then decided to ask anyway, "If you marry them, does that mean they'll live here? With us?"

"Yes," Buffy answered, nodding. "Perhaps not immediately, but soon. I'd have to talk to Willow... we'd need to swap bedrooms first. There's no way three people could live in mine." The two sisters shared a smile at that idea. Tall Riley trying to fit into Buffy's bed; not to mention Sam, who was almost as tall.

"But, we'd be like a family," Dawn asked, "And they'd be like a big brother and sister or something?"

Buffy smiled. "Or something. But I promise to keep them from 'over-parenting'... you only really become their responsibility when I'm away or hurt or sick or something. But you'd have to be nice, Dawnie." Buffy took a breath and pinned her sister with a look. "I don't expect you to be perfect or anything, but I won't have more scenes like we had earlier. Can you try to accept her, for my sake and hers, please?"

This was the really tough part. If Dawn couldn't or wouldn't accept Sam, then living together would never work. They would have to wait until Dawn was an adult and in college. Buffy bit her lower lip as she watched Dawn think, waiting for an answer. An answer that she hoped would be positive...

With a soft sigh and a slight nod, Dawn looked up at her sister. "I can try. I won't promise anything, but I'll try. I won't bait her and I'll try to be polite. But I can promise I'll ever like her."

Buffy smiled and nodded. "If you try, that's enough for me. I think you'll come to like Sam in time... if you give her a chance. If you can't do it for her sake at the beginning, maybe try doing it for mine. She makes me happy, Dawnie, like Riley does. I need them both... they help me be stronger. And with them around, maybe I can start to really live again... things for us will get better."

She truly believed that things would settle in and work out, and Dawn could tell. Just like she could tell that Sam really did make Buffy happy; could see it in her sister's eyes and smile, hear it in her voice.

"I'll try, Buffy," Dawn repeated. "I'll do what I can. Okay?" Despite herself, Dawn really did hope it would work out. She didn't want to be the cause of her sister's sadness; the Buffy sitting in front of her was nearer to the sister she remembered from the previous year than the Buffy she'd seen every day since Willow's spell. This was the Buffy she wanted back, and Dawn would do what she could to keep her that way.

"Okay," Buffy replied as she hugged her sister. "You want to come back downstairs now, or should we just have our 'group talk' over dinner?"

"I think I'll stay up here and study a bit. Call me for dinner?" Dawn asked. She followed her sister into the hall and down the stairs to retrieve her backpack from the hall.

"Sure, I can do that. And we'll be here if you need us," Buffy promised. She hugged Dawn again and ran her fingers over long hair before Dawn turned and headed back to her room.

*****

Giving voice to his thoughts, Riley held Sam close. "We will make this work. Can't force Dawn to love you or to love me but we'll make this work... If she can't handle us living here, then we'll get a place close by."

Dry tone, followed by the lift of one eyebrow as Sam leaned back to look up at him. "That's not gonna go over well. Think you can stand being close and not being close. Not being able to touch her or kiss her or be with her?"

Riley knew she wasn't objecting for his sake. Dawn probably wouldn't put up that much of a fuss if he was the one being intimate with Buffy. Where the objection would come would be when Sam tried to be the same. And considering how Sam and Buffy felt for one another... the storm was just beginning.

"We'll deal. Like we always do. Wait until the kid goes to bed... like most parents with teenagers." To that comment, Sam laughed, albeit a little weakly. "How many teenagers do you know who want to see their parents... or role models making out? You shoulda seen Dawn a year ago. Every time I kissed Buffy, she'd make gagging noises or talk about some girl who choked to death on her boyfriend's tongue."

Buffy smiled a bit and went back to the kitchen to see if Sam and Riley needed any help. Seeing them standing together by the sink, she paused in the doorway so she wouldn't interrupt.

Sam's incredulous expression at Riley's last comment stayed for a moment and then she started to laugh. That joyous sound filled the room, giving the Summers kitchen more life than it had seen in months. She pushed at Riley's shoulder, still laughing. "Choked to death on a tongue? She sounds like my little sister when I first started dating... Except she said 'girlfriend's tongue.'"

"How old were you then? Fourteen... fifteen?" Riley countered, teasing her like he always did when they were alone. Sam's sex life had made for some very interesting late night discussions. His wife was an early bloomer, especially where other women were concerned.

"Thirteen... and I'm not telling that story again. I thought Graham was going to lose it when he overheard us." She managed to sidle out of his embrace and spotted Buffy in the doorway. Her smile faded a little, then brightened. No need to let her own worries about Dawn spoil how she felt for their lover. "Hey, Buffy. Didn't see you there. Is everything okay?"

"Yep, everything's cool," Buffy smiled back as she entered the room and joined them near the sink. She hugged Sam, then Riley, and smiled again. "I think Dawn's going to call a truce. She promised to try to give you, and us, a chance... I hope that if she actually succeeds in doing that, she'll realize what a wonderful person you are. I think..." She hesitated, unsure of just how much she should say... but it might be important.

"I think she wants me to be like I used to be, back before mom died and everything went nuts. And I am, right now, closer to the way I was than I have been since before I died," Buffy admitted softly. "I think Dawnie is inclined to give anyone a chance, if they could make me happy. So we'll have to see how it goes... but I have hope."

"Good. This can't be easy on her." Sam slid an arm around Buffy's waist, drawing her into their circle. A moment later, Riley's arm covered Sam's and he kissed Buffy's cheek. "She lost so much. Your mom and you... And now Ry's back but he comes with baggage."

"Sam," he warned. She looked up at Riley and shook her head but before she could speak, he over-ruled her. "You are not baggage. Anybody calls you that and I'll take them over my knee. And that includes you, honey."

"I'd have to agree with him, Sam. I'd never call you baggage." Buffy smiled a bit, then shook her head. "Besides, you get the better deal. I come with baggage... a lot of it. But Dawn and I... we need a family again. A real one... the gang used to be a family, but they're all drifting away, into their own lives. We're mostly alone, now... we, and especially me, need you a lot more than you need us."

Sam considered Buffy's words carefully, mulling them over in her head. There were some things that Buffy was wrong about... mainly the not needing her part. They needed her, not for their happiness but more for Riley's sanity. Sam knew Buffy's situation weighed heavily in his mind and would have come back to haunt them somewhere down the road.

He'd kept it together in front of Buffy's crew before they left last week. Kept his answers short and his back straight but behind his eyes... God, behind his eyes were all the ghosts that had haunted him. Seeing the love of his life with his mortal enemy had shaken Riley to the core. Sam knew full well that one night, probably in the not too distant future, one night she would have woken up alone while her husband went back to Sunnydale to put his ghosts to rest.

And end up in Buffy's bed.

Not that he would intentionally set out to cheat on her but there was no denying the attraction. Riley loved Buffy and Buffy loved Riley and when they were close to each other the yearning was so strong even a blind man could see it. Sam had wanted to hate Buffy for it but she couldn't. Instead she loved her... had fallen just as deeply for Buffy as her husband had.

Riley was the one who finally spoke. The narrowed eyes and tight jaw were dead giveaways that Sam was lost in thought. "A family we can give you. And Buffy... don't kid yourself. We need you too."

Buffy blinked up at him, frowning ever so slightly. Kid herself? More like he was kidding her. They loved her, she knew that. But they needed her? That idea was almost laughable. No one needed her except Dawn, and Dawn was clinging to the only family she had left. Sure, maybe the world needed her... but only because she was the Slayer, and with Faith in jail last she'd heard, another wouldn't be called for quite a while.

So the world needed the Slayer. Dawn needed Buffy. But she couldn't wrap her mind around the fact that Riley and Sam needed her. It just didn't compute.

Rather than argue, she just shrugged. "If you say so, Riley," she replied softly. If he wanted her to think that he needed her, she'd try to cooperate. But deep down, she didn't believe it. Rather than argue, though, she pulled away and started to pick up Dawn's melting ice cream. The container needed to go back into the freezer before it all melted, but the bit that was in the dish was hopelessly melted.

Something else they were going to have to prove to her. Riley took it in stride, she'd changed from the girl he once knew - not as confident and there were shadows where none had existed before. While he missed the take charge Buffy, this one... the one that needed him and needed Sam, owned a great deal of their hearts.

He took the bowl from her without a word and washed it while Sam carried the grill outside. Stopping on his way to the back porch, Riley lifted Buffy's chin and kissed her. He'd list the ways they needed her when privacy could be achieved. While Dawn had agreed to be nice to Sam, it didn't mean she'd be able to deal if she came downstairs and found them wound up in each other again.

"I'm gonna get the coals started. How about you make a salad and Sam can get the potatoes ready?" Looking down into her eyes, Riley watched the shadows move. So much pain, so much loss... and the only thing that could heal it would be time.

"I can do that," the little blonde agreed, offering him a small smile. "We're supposed to call Dawn for dinner... she's studying upstairs."

Buffy looked up at Riley, watching emotions flit across his eyes... so many mixed emotions, but love beneath them all. Likely he could see something similar in her eyes... or at least she hoped he could. Knowing that it was there would help, she hoped... that having said it a few times, he would see the love she felt for him... even if she couldn't always say it without a struggle.

"Love you too," his smile was warm and honest. No guile behind it, no deception. Riley cupped the back of her head, thumb brushing the line of her throat but he didn't draw her in for a kiss. Just held her for a long moment... until Sam leaned in and stole the kiss he was seriously contemplating.

That movement on her part broke the tension between them. Riley rolled his eyes and let go of Buffy while Sam continued to kiss her. And he thought Spike was opportunistic... The sharp-tongued vampire had nothing on his wife who moved when he did, sliding in and molding herself to Buffy. So close that breathing would probably be seriously impaired in a minute or two.

Buffy was a little surprised when Sam came in from the side and kissed her; her attention had been focused on Riley and she hadn't seen it coming. But it was a pleasant surprise, and a kiss and a warm armful of Sam weren't things she was about to refuse. She curled up against Sam and returned the kiss, letting her eyes flutter closed as she relaxed into it.

Soft mouth, soft body, moving against her in ways that Riley couldn't even hope to imitate. Sam turned her head a little and Buffy's mouth opened under hers... like a flower opening in the rain. Petal-thin skin, tentative touch of a tongue on hers and Sam was lost. Again.

There was nothing in the world that compared to kissing another woman. To feel the press of a breast, the silken slide of a fragrant skin under her fingertips, the brush of hair against her cheek and her throat. A quiet moan, stifled within the circle of their mouths. She'd forgotten this... how could she have forgotten this?

Buffy felt Sam melting in her arms, their bodies molding together. Curves pressed together, softness matched by softness. Part of Buffy wondered why she'd never before been attracted to a woman... she hadn't known just how it could be. It was incredible, so different from being curled up against the harder planes of a man's body.

Not better, but different enough to be a distinct contrast, especially when they surrounded her, as they often did. A feeling that she enjoyed.

There were things they needed to do but Riley didn't have the heart to break them apart. Besides, he was enjoying the view. Really enjoying the view. Enjoying it so much that if Dawn decided to wander downstairs right now she'd end up learning a lot more about men and their physical reactions than she needed to know at this stage in her life.

It was all quiet above so Dawn was probably studying. Taking a chance on that was monumentally stupid but resisting the pull of this was impossible. Two steps to the left and he was behind Buffy, another step and his body was molded as tightly to her back as Sam was to her front. His mouth found Buffy's bare shoulder and Riley settled in for a long, slow mapping of that tender area.

Buffy moaned into the kiss, unable to keep quiet when Riley moved in behind her. She was cradled between them, one of her favorite places to be. She felt tiny, but safe and protected. She could feel the plane of Riley's chest against her back, his lips on her shoulder... one of his hands found her hip and the other went past her to loop around Sam.

Part of her wondered if he could read her mind, if he'd known she was thinking about being caught between them like this or if he'd just wanted it for himself. The rest of her knew that it didn't matter; they were all here and they were as close together as they could be for the moment. It wasn't quite as close as any of them wanted, but it was enough for the moment.

Riley bent his knees, dropping down a little so that sweet curve fit just so. It was all he could do to keep from rocking into her. Control was harder than he thought, harder than he ever imagined. Especially when Sam's hand drifted away from Buffy's back to his own and then downward, pulling him in snug.

God... They were inches away from having sex. Right there in the cheery Summers kitchen with the late afternoon sunshine spilling in through the open door. All that separated each of them from heaven was a layer or three of cloth. Such a flimsy barrier.

No way out of it. No way at all. Riley lifted his head just as Sam's mouth parted from Buffy's. Husband and wife watched each other. Each stunned by the need they saw in the other's eyes. While Buffy had doubts about how they could possibly need her, neither Sam nor Riley shared those doubts.

With a very soft sigh, Buffy let her head fall forward and rest against Sam's shoulder. Her eyes were still closed and she soaked up the affection surrounding her even as she struggled with her conscience. She wanted them. God how she wanted them. Right here, right now. But Dawn was upstairs and Willow was probably in the dining room, and it was probably a bad idea to let anything happen now... and part of her really didn't care.

But that little voice in her head told her it would be wrong, and that she shouldn't risk that kind of thing when Dawn could come downstairs at any time... and even though Buffy very much wanted that little voice to shut up, it was usually right.

Voice of reason. One of them had to be the voice of reason and since that was usually his job, Riley cleared his throat. "Dinner," was all he said before stepping back and turning away from them. He needed a moment to regain his composure as well as deal with wearing jeans that were way too tight.

"Dinner," Sam echoed, cupping Buffy's cheek so she would know this wasn't a rejection. Her thumb brushed a soft lip, a corner of her mouth, then fell away as Sam took a step backward. Buffy's eyes were locked on hers, dark and wide and... hopeful. "Soon," was all Sam could give. Promise in her voice and promise in the final fleeting touch on Buffy's shoulder.

Pulling herself together after another brief struggle, Buffy nodded and smiled back. She knew it was common sense, not them rejecting her... honestly, she was glad they'd been able to stop because she wasn't sure she would have been. Stepping sideways, she leaned back against the island and asked, "Is there anything I can do to help? Oh, right... salad, you said earlier?"

"Yep. Salad. Can Do's got coal duty." Voice amazingly steady all things considered, Sam grinned at Buffy. She was on the verge of laughing when Riley turned around and his predicament was only half hidden by the hands shoved into his jeans pockets. She'd been in the marines too long. It was all Sam could do to not make a joke about tents.

Riley managed to slip past both of them, walking stiff-legged over to the basement door. The charcoal was at the bottom of the stairs and while going down them was going to be sheer torture, at least it would give him time to calm down a little.

Buffy smiled back at Sam and went to the fridge to pull out the veggies she'd need. Lettuce, tomato, carrots, cucumbers, all the good salad stuff. Then she found a chopping knife and a small cutting board, as well as a large salad bowl.

Taking her implements and ingredients over to the island, Buffy set herself to work. It was the easiest way to distract herself... and a distraction was needed or else she'd end up jumping them both, which would be a bad idea. And then dinner would never get done, either.

*****

They worked separately, which was for the best. When the coals were ready, Sam handed Riley potatoes wrapped in foil that he promptly snugged down in amidst the glowing brands. The steaks came next, with salt and pepper and herbs rubbed into them. The scent filled the air, charcoal and meat and spice.

In his element, Riley turned the steaks, basting them with a little Worcestershire sauce. If the gang wanted to smother them in barbecue sauce later, they could. He was a purist, preferring to let the meat speak for itself. It was trick learned at his dad's knee when Riley had been barely able to peep up over the top of the grill. Hard to imagine he'd ever been that small...

The neighbor next door came home while he was grilling and stopped by the side fence. They exchanged nods and smiles. Joyce introduced him around right after he started dating Buffy. Well, that is, after Buffy finally introduced him to her mom, which took more months than it should have. It was nice to know at least one of them remembered him.

The salad was done and in the fridge, keeping until dinnertime. Needing to keep herself busy, Buffy made a pitcher of white grape juice. She figured it would go well enough with the steaks, if anyone didn't want milk with dinner. Buffy knew she needed the milk, and Dawn would too... but she didn't know about Sam or Willow. And if it didn't get drunk tonight, then it would be there tomorrow morning.

Sam watched Riley from the shadow of the doorway. He was humming to himself, slightly off-key as he turned the steaks and punctured the potatoes with the barbecue fork. It had been a long time since she'd seen him like this. So relaxed and in tune with the world around him. Somewhere down the street a dog barked and for once, Riley didn't jump. Didn't look around for an immediate threat.

Another sign of his happiness, his contentment. The lines around his mouth were almost gone, the constant frown faded from between his brows. He'd shed ten years in the span of a day.

There was only one reason for that. One reason...

And that reason thought they didn't need her.

Running out of things to do, Buffy stepped up behind Sam and peeked around her out the door. Watching Riley was something Buffy could relate to... it used to be one of her favorite pastimes. She wrapped an arm gently around Sam's waist and stood beside her to watch. He looked relaxed, comfortable... the way she'd seen him a hundred times, and taken for granted because he'd always seemed to want to be there.

"He looks just like I remember," she murmured softly. "Right now, he looks exactly the same... like he never changed, never left."

"Mmmm-hmmm... don't ever tell him this but God... he's magnificent. Didn't really go for men until I met him." Sam rested her chin on Buffy's head, her own arm finding its place around a slim waist. "He changed my mind. First time I saw him... I wanted him."

The sweater was too warm now and Riley stripped it off, laying it over the porch railing. The breeze felt good, the thin t-shirt clung to his body, outlining the broad planes of his back. His attention was on the food and the flow of life around him. Unaware he was being observed, Riley wiped a trickle of sweat off the back of his neck before turning the steaks again.

"I was the same way, once I got over my embarrassment over having dropped a stack of texts on his head," Buffy admitted with a soft laugh. "I didn't think he was interested in me for a while after that, though. And... even though I was interested, it was really hard to get into another relationship. Up to that point, my life had been full of pain, death and apocalypse. Even when I had love, it was always bittersweet. It hurt too much to take chances, I guess. It took him a while to really get through to me... I was kind of walled up inside."

"Got to give him points for that. He's... persistent. Once he figures out what he wants, he goes for it." A turn of her head and Sam's cheek rested against Buffy's hair. There were a lot of things Riley told her about his ex but not nearly enough. And since Buffy seemed to be willing to talk, Sam was willing to listen and to prompt when the need arose. "Couldn't have been easy dealing with him in that mode. He just doesn't give up."

A different tune now, just as off-key as Riley checked the grill one last time. He covered it, the smoke rising for a moment around the edges and then through the hole in the top. A sore muscle in his back twinged, souvenir of the fight last night and he winced. Then grabbed the railing and bent over, stretching his back, letting the sun warm it.

Sam's arm tightened around Buffy and she had to close her eyes for a moment. Block out the sight of her husband's nearly perfect back and the rounded curve of his ass. No wonder he got looks from both sides of the fence. Especially since he was completely unaware of how good he looked.

Buffy shivered and closed her own eyes. God, but he looked good enough to eat. Better than dinner, and so much more tempting. But this was neither the time nor the place, so she tried to grasp the line of conversation again. "Yeah, very persistent. And I'm glad that I gave in, in the end." She hesitated, but decided to continue. Her voice got very soft, so no one could possibly overhear.

"But when we met, it had only been a few months since Angel left. And I made such a huge mistake with Parker that I was afraid. Afraid to get close to someone else, afraid to love. I've been through a lot, Sam... more aspects of hell than he knows, because of my life and because of Angel. So when Riley pushed, I pushed back. Hard." She wasn't sure how much Sam really wanted to know, but she knew that she'd have to tell them both all of it eventually.

The question was whether or not she should tell Sam first and then have her support in telling Riley, or if it would be better to keep things more even and tell them both together.

Sam took it all in. Listened to Buffy's soft voice and broke it down, step-by-step. All the things she was saying and all the things she was not saying. The innocuous was the easiest thing to deal with first, so she did. "Ry told me about Parker. Said he decked the guy, knocked him clean out. Not Ry's style... but pretty effective."

Buffy's shocked look was genuine, apparently Riley had left that little tidbit of information out of his courting ritual. Not surprising. He never was one to brag. "Being afraid to get close... I get that. Hard to trust after everything falls apart. Hard to open up." Light touch of her fingertips to Buffy's mouth, lingering for a moment. "Been there. Believe me... been there."

"I believe you," Buffy kissed Sam's lingering fingertips before continuing to speak. "But yeah, things fell apart in a major, major way. Not deliberately cruel, like Angelus had been... but it hurt even more than anything ever had before. I didn't know if I could go through that again...."

Unpleasant memories, those. And they deserved to know the truth, both of them did. But they might have to fall back on Sam's idea of tying Riley up and making him listen... he hated Angel as it was. Probably more so because she still heard from him and kept in touch with him once in a while.

"Angelus... isn't that Angel? Guess I'm a little confused here." Brow furrowing, Sam looked up and noticed that Riley was no longer on the porch. She scanned the yard and spotted him kneeling by the fence, checking something in the lawn. Head tilted to one side, fingers in the grass, digging at a broken sprinkler head, the pieces glinted in the sun as he worked on it.

Normal... he was so damned normal at times. Always tinkering with something. If it wasn't a weapon, it was the SUV or their computer or... the list went on and on. Good with his hands, really good with his hands. One of the advantages of moving in here was just that, he'd get a wealth of things that needed tinkering with.

Snapping her attention back to Buffy, Sam drew her into the kitchen. Out of Riley's sight and possible intervention, especially with him in a tinkering mood. Buffy needed to talk and while Riley was a good listener, he always wanted to fix things. And this wasn't something that could be fixed.

"Oh, sorry," Buffy apologized, following Sam away from the door. "I guess I figured Riley would have told you. Angelus is Angel, in a way, but he's really not. I think of them as two completely different entities, because they really are. Angel is a vampire with a soul, and the first man I ever loved."

"Angelus is Angel without the soul... a cruel, heartless demon. The Scourge of Europe, I think they called him." She paused, letting that sink in and waiting to see if Sam understood and perhaps gauge how much she'd been told by Riley.

"Standard vamp behavior, then. And he was your first?" Shaking her head, Sam took a seat and opened her arms to Buffy. Who stepped into the offered safety and warmth without hesitation. "Ry's damn lucky you even talked to him after that. Me... I would've given up on men entirely."

****

Riley studied the broken sprinkler and found the problem. It needed a little adjusting and the grass around it should be pulled back. He made short work of the grass, put the pieces back together and twisted it about 90 degrees, shifting it so it would spray the lawn instead of the fence behind it. It was the water damage to the fence that had caught his eye. Some of the boards needed replacing.

Joyce had kept the house in excellent shape, hired the right people and did a lot of the work herself. As Riley looked out over the lawn and the house itself, he caught the telltale signs of neglect. The house's condition reminded him of Buffy. On the surface, she looked fine but the neglect was starting to show. There were cracks in her soul, just like there were cracks in the paint. He and Sam had their work cut out here.

They would fix this. Take care of the house and the lawn and Dawn and... everything. Shoulder some of the burden that rested on Buffy, ease her way...

****

Buffy shook her head and looked up into Sam's eyes. "No... more than a year passed between the Angelus thing and meeting Riley. I had Angel back for most of that year... or, well, sort of back anyway. It's a really long story, which I probably should save for when you can both hear it. It doesn't bear telling twice. But Angel left me some 4 months before I met Riley... I guess it all just added up to one fairly messed up Buffy."

And it had. She'd dealt with her Angelus issues by burying them. Having taken and actually passed a semester of psych, Buffy knew that in some ways her reaction to Angelus' version of 'morning after' was akin to the reaction of a rape victim. She could look back and tell now... but at the time, it had been her only way to deal.

As she slowly regained her strength... and her confidence, when she figured out that he just couldn't kill her for some reason... She did what she could to put it behind her and that was mostly by repressing. She had dealt with a fair bit of her grief the summer she spent in LA... but the effects of everything she'd been through had never gone away.

"Messed up and really not ready for a relationship." Sam confirmed, brushing back a lock of golden hair. Let it slide through her fingers for a single, selfish moment. "Which was probably what drew Ry in. He... he knows when people hurt, takes in strays. Like Gray and me and some of the others on the squad. He likes to fix things..."

More times than not, Sam would find him after a mission quietly listening to someone else's woes. His psych training showing through. It kept most of them sane just having a sympathetic ear and a voice of reason that quietly broke down the battles into something comprehensible. Something beyond teeth and claws and the desolate knowledge that no matter how much they did, no matter how much they tried... the monsters still kept coming.

"Yeah, I know he does. So do you, I think," Buffy tilted her head and smiled at bit at her lover. It was just a guess, but probably more accurate than not... they were both rather protective of her, and she'd noticed it. "And I did need help. I still do. But I didn't know how to handle a relationship at that point... so I tried to push him away. It was difficult, though. He didn't want to let me."

She'd pushed, he'd pushed back... and it wasn't until he'd hooked a safety line to her belt to make sure she got back out of the Hellmouth that she'd really begun to consider the advantages of having a lover in the same line of work again... but a human one, who couldn't lose his soul...

Sam nodded in agreement with Buffy's assessment of her own motivations. Being a care-taker went hand in hand with the stethoscope and the splints, any doctor worth their salt had that ingrained into their souls. "Sounds like Riley. He's... stubborn, doesn't give up. Even when it's a lost cause."

While they talked, she studied Buffy's face and marveled at how young she actually was. Five years her junior, barely legal to drink and she'd been saving the world since she was fifteen. Buffy had spent almost a third of her life as a warrior. When other girls worried about nail polish and what dress to wear to school and would that cute boy notice them, Buffy was choosing weapons and wondering if that night was going to be her last.

"I'm still not entirely sure that I wasn't. A lost cause, I mean," Buffy admitted softly and dropped her eyes. "I know you guys want to help me, and I want you to... but I don't know how repairable I am. I don't know if I can be fixed, Sam. I really don't."

She looked up and lifted her hand, setting her fingers on Sam's lips to keep her from speaking until she finished. "Wait until you've heard the whole story. We'll lay as much of my trauma on the table as possible, and then you can answer. Okay? You might be surprised to hear about it all..."

Sam kissed those fingertips as Buffy lifted them away. "No matter what happened, it won't change anything. I love you and Ry loves you. That's set in stone." So much pain, too much pain. There were tears in those beautiful eyes, tears ready to fall. "People get broken, Buffy. Life does that..."

The first trickle tugged at Sam's heart. She caught the drop with one finger, wiping it away as the rest tumbled down. "Oh honey..." Everything Sam wanted to say disappeared. All she could do was hold Buffy, hold her and stroke her hair and promise herself that they would fix this. Somehow.

Buffy leaned against Sam and cried softly. She would tell them her story and see what came of it... but it would be a long and painful telling. As much as the one the night before had been, if not even more. She would just wait and see what happened when the tale was done. Riley was not going to be pleased, except maybe that he finally had the whole story over Angel.

She hoped that at the end, he would at least understand why she remained friends with her first love... It was all they really had, but it was something they both needed. When she really and truly needed someone, Angel was there for her. When her mother died, when she came back to life... And yes, the fire was still there and part of her would always love him.

But it was nothing like what she shared with Riley and Sam, and she knew enough to recognize that her life with her current lovers was better by far than anything she and Angel might have shared. With or without the loophole in the curse. And she would tell them that, too... it was something they would need to know.

*****

 
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