Title: Bring Me Into the Light
AUTHOR: Mistress Ace & Em
E-MAIL: rosewood@inreach.com & winter@sapphire-dragon.net
FEEDBACK: Is the butter on our bread. We write because the story begs to be told. Feedback lets us know if we struck a chord with you.
DISTRIBUTION: Our site, for the moment. When we post fully edited chapters, those can be posted elsewhere. RATING: NC-17
CATEGORY: Story: Romance, Angst
SPOILERS: As You Were
PAIRINGS: B/R/Sam, m/f, f/f
DISCLAIMER: Don't own the characters at all. (More's the pity) They belong to the Great God Joss Whedon et al. We are just borrowing them for a little bit. That's all. No BtVS characters were harmed in the writing of this fic. Well, maybe just a little.
SUMMARY: Not back for long enough. Not nearly long enough and there were too many things left up in the air. But isn't that the purpose of fan-fiction?
 

Chapter 36

The platter of steaks made its rounds until everyone had one done the way they liked. The potatoes also got passed around, and the discussion was interrupted briefly by requests for condiments.

"That reminds me," Buffy said as they passed food and such around the table. "Wills, I wanted to ask if you would mind switching rooms with me. I can't imagine fitting three of us into my room..." Dawn giggled and Willow's eyes went wide as she worked out all the implications. She smiled, blushed and nodded all at once.

"Sure, Buff. Does it need to be done immediately?" Willow asked.

"No, no rush. We don't want to disrupt life around here too much. But in the next week or so if we could start moving things around, that would be good," Buffy answered as she fixed up her potato. She knew that Riley and Sam had their hotel for the week... and if by some chance they did have to go somewhere tomorrow, there would be fewer questions asked.

Riley nodded as he listened. Keeping the hotel room was probably a good idea. It would give them a neutral place to go if escape became necessary. Plus there was the whole lockable door issue. Not that he thought Dawn would go snooping but the kid had shown a disturbing bent for just that last year.

Always walking in without knocking. Most times he'd just been kissing Buffy. They kept the serious stuff toned down because of Dawn. Waiting until the whole house was quiet before getting undressed and into bed. Joyce had been pretty progressive about that, letting him stay over without more than a lifted eyebrow or two.

But there had been the odd occasion when the kid caught him with his hand in interesting places. Which led to a lot of blushing on both sides and Buffy pushing Dawn out of the room. Leaning against it while she shook her head and muttered about privacy and why weren't they at his place?

When he looked up, he saw a smile on Sam's face. She was watching Buffy and his wife was glowing. Looking happier than he'd ever seen before. Like everything in the world she wanted was right before her eyes.

Jealousy was an ugly thing. It clawed at his heart and his gut and he was about to push away from the table when Sam turned her attention to him. And the same look stayed on her face. The same amount of love, the same amount of adoration.

"So... not to be rude or anything... But where'd the food come from?" Xander asked as he dished up some of the salad. The steak was just right, smoky flavor throughout and not a hint of pink. Definitely Riley's handiwork. Had to hand it to him, Ry was a magician where a grill and meat was concerned. A skill he really needed to learn from the big guy.

"Um, maybe the grocery store?" Willow teased gently. It wasn't every day that Xander was set on his ear like this, and the question showed just how badly his mind was whirling. He didn't usually leave himself too open to jokes.

Buffy giggled with Willow, but when she looked at Xander it was in all seriousness. "That's actually part of what I have to tell you guys. The military paid for it; they've offered me a position with Riley's team, and I've accepted it. Basically I'll still be doing the Slaying gig, but I'll have backup. And this job comes with a paycheck and benefits." She paused to grin with the gang; everyone had heard her complain about the Watchers Council and how did they expect her to support herself when Slaying took up most of her time and energy.

"Anyway," she continued. "There are still some details to be worked out but that's the gist of it. And so the military, courtesy of Riley and Sam, started out by taking care of our needs - food being the most immediate."

"And we have so much food!" Dawn exclaimed. "It's like it used to be - cookies and ice cream and fruit and everything!"

'Thank you,' Riley mouthed, his eyes intent on Sam's before he joined in on the rest of the conversation. "Five people in the house. It's gonna take a lot of food."

"Especially the way you eat," His wife teased over the top of her glass. She nodded in silent confirmation of her love for him, falling into their easy communication. His laughter filled the room, sparking similar reactions from everyone else.

One more obstacle out of the way. Those who had the need to know were in the loop. Now all they had to deal with was the debriefing tomorrow and whatever made Drum's voice so damned tight.

Riley sliced into his steak, raising a piece to his mouth and chewing slowly. Twenty-four hours ago, he and Sam were strapping on gear - getting ready for another night of hunting on his home turf. In the place where he'd cut his demon-killing teeth.

And now... now he had everything he'd ever wanted. Beautiful wife, perfect lover, good friends... a family. He'd never fit in with the Scoobies before, always felt like he was being held at arm's length. Until tonight... This was his family. Not the one he'd been born into but the one he'd chosen. And he'd defend them with his life. With everything he had.

Buffy let the laughter in the room wash over her, but her eyes were drawn to Riley and Sam. Riley seemed relaxed, and as happy as she'd ever seen him before. He seemed to radiate contentment and joy, and Buffy wondered if that aura of emotion hadn't reached out to the gang and made itself known.

They were taking the news surprisingly well, and she wondered how much was because of the very visible change in Riley from the last time he and Sam were here. Sam, on the other hand, looked much as she always did... her eyes sparkled with good humor and she, too, radiated contentment and happiness.

The real difference was that the love in her eyes was directed at Buffy as well as Riley... and she made that absolutely clear in the easiest way possible. No one could possibly look at Sam and believe that she didn't love Buffy.

Though she didn't have a mirror handy to check, Buffy hoped that the gang could see the changes in her too. Tara certainly had, but Tara was by far the most observant of her friends. Could the others see the love in her eyes? Could they tell the difference between yesterday and today?

Buffy didn't know... and wasn't really surprised to realize that it did matter. Part of her was still upset with them for being so oblivious to her condition... not that she hadn't tried hard to keep distance between herself and them, but they hadn't even noticed... and it hurt.

She shook herself, putting those thoughts out of her mind. There was still a fair bit to tell, and she wasn't really sure how to begin, or where. So she turned her attention to her food and concentrated on making more of it disappear.

Happy, Buffy looked happy. The kind of happy Xander hadn't seen since... well, since she'd fallen for dark and broody. For once she looked her age, instead of the whole old and tired and broken thing. His guilt about bringing her back had kept him away, kept him silent about her condition but Xander had been worried about Buffy.

Worried and scared and he hadn't known what to do or say. The wedding had taken up so much of his time and life did its usual thing. Got in the way. Besides the heart-to-heart girly talks were more Willow's specialty.

Not that she and Buffy had been talking all that much. Wills hadn't been talking to him either. Too wound up in her own problems - getting too far into the magic thing, getting lost in the magic thing and yeah... losing Tara had sucked. On so many levels.

They'd drifted apart again. Did the getting on with life and abandoned the one thing that had kept them together. Their friendship. Strange the epiphanies that came to you at the dinner table. Gorging on perfectly cooked beef, chowing down on a baked potato almost as big as his head set his mind to thinking. And Xander didn't like what he was coming up with.

He loved Anya. He really loved her and they were gonna start a life together. But God... why couldn't they have just eloped? Or lived together for the next hundred years without the whole getting married. And hey... Riley was married. He was married and he was happy and maybe it wouldn't be so bad.

"... to Xander." His head snapped up and Xander found Riley watching him. Doing that under-the-microscope stare that was more than enough to give him a serious wiggins. "You in there?"

"Uh, yeah. 'M fine. You say something?" He laid his fork down on the plate and plastered the patented goofy Harris smile on his face. The one that was supposed to hide everything - the nervousness, the sweaty palms, the feeling that he was gonna be caught like a mouse in a trap tomorrow - never to be free again.

"Pass the sour cream. Please?" Innocuous question but there was a whole lot going on behind Xander's eyes that had Riley worried. After dinner, he'd invite him out to the back porch for a beer. Maybe they'd walk around the house and look at what needed to be fixed. And he'd get inside his head, find out what the problem was... and try to fix what he could.

Willow frowned as she watched Xander intently spooning sour cream onto his baked potato. Something was very definitely up with him, and she wanted to know what. A glance at Riley revealed that he had reached the same conclusion and was just as determined to get to the bottom of it.

This could be more problematical than she'd originally thought. Willow genuinely liked Riley, but like Buffy, he always wanted to fix everything regardless of whether or not it was up to him to do it. Buffy had largely stopped doing it in the past months, but if both of them suddenly were to resume their habits... well, things could get tricky. Wanting to help was never a bad thing... but what could you say to a person who'd done what you wanted to do?

Anya looked from Riley to Willow and started to glare. She looped her arm around Xander's waist possessively and gave him a hug. She didn't know what was bothering Xander, and if he'd rather talk to them than to her that was okay, as long as it wasn't about her. But she'd be damned if she was going to let them fight over him and who got to help.

Xander turned to Anya, saw the concern in her eyes and kissed her. Not usually one for doing that in front of the group, especially around Willow who was having a rough time, but he couldn't resist. She had that vulnerable look, the one that melted his fears away.

The conversation had pretty much died. Sign of a good meal, which Sam agreed it really was. She ate quietly, taking in the whole group and when Buffy frowned a little, Sam's hand found hers under the table. Squeezed it lightly, giving silent reassurance. While the meal had reached the peaceful part, there were still a lot of things running under the surface.

Buffy was sitting at a table with her friends, with her family and her lovers. With friends who had her torn her out of heaven and left her six feet underground. Left her to claw her way out of the grave and that was enough to ruin her appetite. Warriors should be allowed their reward, allowed to stay in Valhalla and her lover had been denied that.

Setting her fork down beside her plate, Sam pushed it away a little. Drank the last of her milk and caught Riley's quick look of concern. Shook her head. Not the time. Really not the time to express her thoughts.

Buffy smiled at Sam, grateful for the reassurance. At the same time, she could see a flicker in her lover's eyes that told her something was up. Something big was going through Sam's mind, and it didn't seem happy. Riley noticed at the same time, and she continued to watch as Sam's eyes met Riley's. She decided not to say anything when she saw Sam shake her head in answer to Riley's silent question. Now obviously wasn't the time or place.

Slowing down, as she was nearly full, Buffy finished the last bit of her potato and sat back in her chair to drink her milk. Her eyes traveled from person to person, silently checking up on everyone and judging the level of emotion in the room. Nothing too major, fortunately, since there was likely a lot more talking to be done. Surely everyone had questions...

Not surprisingly, Dawn was largely oblivious to most of the interactions taking place around her. She was focused on her meal, almost exclusively, since she'd already heard most of what Buffy was going to tell them. And it had been so long since she'd had a meal this good.

So it was also not surprising that Dawn was the first one finished. She sat back in her chair with a contented sigh and refocused on the people around her.

"Full, squirt?" Riley asked, forkful of potato halfway to his mouth. The kid had that soporific look that usually came after a heavy meal. She'd packed away more food in this one sitting than he'd ever seen her do before. He felt a twinge of guilt over that. Dawn had probably gone without a decent dinner for a long time.

"Yep, I am. Dinner was good, Riley. Thanks," Dawn said with a bright smile. She got up from the table and was about to walk away when she was pinned by a pointed look from Riley. He looked at her, then at her dishes, then back at her again. With a sigh, Dawn took the hint and picked up her dishes.

She carried them into the kitchen and stacked them in the sink. Snagging the promised soda from the fridge, she returned to the dining room.

Riley fixed Dawn with a look when she got back to her seat. His quiet comment stopped her in her tracks, "Dawn. I didn't hear the sink running. Rinsing will make washing the dishes go faster for you tonight. Think you could take care of that?" He took the soda from her and set it beside her empty place.

Spoken like a true big brother or maybe a dad. Sam had heard those same tones in Robert Finn's voice to one time she'd met his folks. Riley's dad was a lot like him - capable, soft-spoken but strong with his kids. No doubt where Riley learned his manners and his parenting technique.

With those few words he was laying down the law. The people who cooked shouldn't have to do the dishes. There would be no more mornings with the kitchen in the condition she'd found it in earlier. Which was just fine as far as Sam was concerned.

Dawn frowned. She didn't like the sound of that at all. "You want me to do all these dishes, by myself? That's nuts! It'll take forever, and I still have homework to do!" The homework excuse almost always worked with Buffy. Her sister was always afraid that if Dawn didn't have enough time to get her homework done, her grades would slip again and they'd be in for another visit from Social Services.

Though if Buffy were Riley's age, maybe the Social Services wouldn't be so touchy. **Where'd that idea come from?** Dawn wondered.

Inwardly, Dawn wondered what Social Services would make of her sister's relationship with Riley and Sam. They'd probably freak, and threaten to reassign custody again. Dawn knew she'd have to keep her mouth shut about that one.

Buffy said nothing, grateful to Riley for handling this one. She pretended she didn't see the looks of appeal that Dawn sent in her direction; instead, she returned her attention to studying Xander. His reaction to her revelations had been the most dramatic, and she wasn't sure exactly how he'd respond to the rest of the news that hadn't yet come out.

"Homework. Isn't that what you've been doing for the last two hours?" Riley's mild question revealed nothing other than a gentle interest. He knew Dawn was manipulative, he'd seen it happen with Joyce and Buffy before. Typical teenager, pushing the limits, finding where the breaking points were. "Two options, Dawn. Do the dishes. Or bring your homework down and we'll see what's taking so long with it."

When Dawn stomped her foot and turned to Buffy in preparation for a loud appeal, Riley pushed his chair out slowly. He rose to his feet, moving subtly closer to his lover. Backing her up for the explosion that was bound to come.

Sam took a chance and spoke up. This was probably not the best place to exert discipline where Dawn was concerned. Ry was normally better at this, which was a clear sign of his level of irritation with Buffy's younger sister. "You two want to take this into the kitchen?"

Riley nodded in agreement. There were several stunned looks around the table and Dawn was getting redder by the minute. Embarrassment was probably part of it. She'd had a crush on Xander last year and being treated like a little kid in front of him and his fiancée wasn't helping her at all. "Dawn. Let's go."

Grumbling under her breath, Dawn followed Riley out of the room. He'd just had to start something like this in front of everyone. Even if she didn't like Sam, she was grateful to her sister's lover for the suggestion. She wasn't as happy when Sam came with Buffy to join them in the kitchen, though.

Buffy had gathered herself for a rough time and slowly got to her feet. She was not looking forward to this - confrontations with Dawn invariably sucked. With a silently pleading look at Sam, Buffy relaxed just slightly when her lover also stood and went with her to the kitchen. Her hand found Sam's and Buffy took comfort in the silent support.

*****

Willow and the others watched the group leave the room. She shook her head and said, "Why don't we move into the living room?" When Xander and Anya agreed, she led the way into the living room and made sure all the doors to the kitchen were closed. She then turned on the radio for background noise and tried her best to start a conversation.

She figured she could at least get Anya talking about the wedding plans. "So, have you guys got all the wedding arrangements finalized?"

"Everything's as ready as it's gonna get. If we can keep my relatives from killing each other, then we should be good." Xander settled in next to Anya, throwing his arm around her shoulders. He was waiting to hear the fireworks and hoped the radio was going to be loud enough to drown it out.

While he loved Dawn to death, she'd been getting away with murder. Well... not literal murder but they'd kinda spoiled her after Buffy died and after Buffy came back, the whole discipline thing went out the window.

"Willow... what do you think about all this? I mean, I like Ry and all but he is married." Xander cast a worried look toward the dining room and the kitchen beyond it. It could be worse. It really could. Buffy could've been sleeping with Spike, which was a pretty stomach-turning thought. But she had gone for a vamp before so there was a precedent for it.

"Honestly?" Willow looked thoughtful, considering what she knew very carefully. Then she smiled a bit. "I think that they're the best thing that could've happened to Buffy. As long as they're all together, the forms and legalities don't really matter. They're not hurting anyone, after all."

She shrugged lightly, but her expression darkened when she continued. "But if they ever hurt her, they're going to so wish they'd never come back. Getting out the shovel will be the least of it. I don't think..." Willow hesitated, but then went on. "I don't think Buffy would be able to cope with being left another time. She'd never be the same again. Ever."

*****

Tough love. That's what was going on here. Riley watched Dawn lean against the counter, her arms crossed over her chest, glaring daggers at him and at Sam too. Who stood silently beside Buffy, holding her hand but offering nothing else.

This was his show. Time to be the bad guy. Sam was already at a disadvantage with Dawn and he wasn't going to put her in that position again. "Dawn. When your mom was here, who cooked?" Reasonable question, meant to draw her down the path of logic.

"Mom did, generally. You know that, you were here enough," petulant voice; she knew where this was going and did not want to play along but she really didn't have a choice. She looked at Buffy again, wanting to complain strenuously... but the look on her sister's face made her pause. Perhaps she should see what Riley had to say before arguing too much.

"I know. Your mom did most of the cooking and that was after a hard day at work. And you and me and Buffy did the clean-up." Riley leaned against the other counter, his eyes never leaving her face. "I know you've got school and that can be pretty hard. But Buffy works... she worked at the DoubleMeat until I messed that up. And she slays."

Quick lift of Dawn's head and there were words ready to tumble past her lips. Riley shook his head, leaning forward. "Don't. Slaying isn't fun. It's hard work. And it's bloody and it's dirty and it's painful." He heard a tiny sound of protest from Buffy but chose to ignore it. Dawn's whole attention was focused on him and it was time for some home truths.

"Remember the time you caught me patching her up? You ever wonder what happened that night?" His eyes narrowed at the memory. Blood on his hands and the hole in Buffy's side, mortality in her eyes. "She got staked by a vamp. With her own stake."

Sam's hand splayed across Buffy's stomach, covering that spot. He'd told her about it. About finding her gasping against a crypt wall, fainting into his arms and the short run back to his car. His panicked drive to the hospital only to have Buffy wake and refuse to be carried into the emergency room. Her pleading for him to take her home, to patch her up, sew her back together like a doll who'd been played with too roughly.

Giving in. Taking her home and threading a needle with hands that should have shook but didn't. Her tiny hisses of pain each time he drove the needle through ragged skin. Washed the blood away with alcohol and tasted the bitter sting of unshed tears in his throat. The fear he'd felt, the despair... because this was the way he was going to lose her. Some night she wasn't going to be fast enough and he wasn't going to be there and she was going to die.

Alone and unsung. Unavenged...

Dawn's hand pressed to her mouth and a choked sob escaped from behind it. Her eyes closed to prevent tears from escaping. Even though she'd seen Buffy die, no one had ever shoved anything like this in her face. Now, bloody images whirled in her mind despite her struggles to stop them. Then gentle arms enveloped her from behind and soft crooning sounded in her ear until she calmed down.

After Dawn's tears had stopped, Buffy looked up at Riley. She understood what he was doing, but Dawn was only 15 and had never been confronted with this stuff before. "Riley, ease up," she said gently.

"She's never had to deal with this before. Mom had me promise to keep as much from her as I could about slaying... she doesn't know, she's never seen it. And I let it be, because mom wanted it that way. I know what you want to do, love, and I appreciate it, but this is the wrong way to do it. We don't want to scare her... I don't want her to suffer from my nightmares. It's enough that I have to do it. Please..."

There had to be a better way to make Dawn understand... shoving the brutal reality under her nose would only traumatize her. Granted that Buffy herself had been forced to confront reality even younger... but because of that, she'd promised to be sure her sister didn't have to suffer with the same thing.

Immediately contrite, Riley scrubbed a hand along the back of his neck. "Sorry... Went overboard. Dawn, I'm sorry. You don't need to hear this."

This was his stuff, not Dawn's. His cross to bear. Moving forward, he wiped away Dawn's tears with a hand that did shake this time. Silent proof of everything he was holding back, that he was holding in. "I won't do it again. I promise... All I'm trying to say is... we need your help. Buffy needs your help. If it's little stuff like doing the dishes or taking out the trash or washing the laundry, you need to do it. Okay?"

"I-I'll try," Dawn sniffled. Pulling away from both of them, she turned to look up at her sister. "I get why mom didn't want me to know... but how many times did you almost die and never tell anyone? How could you keep doing it, Buffy? Why?" she demanded tearfully.

Buffy sighed and shook her head sadly. "I do it because I have to, Dawnie, you know that. There are only a very few of us who can really make a difference, and I'm one of the strongest. I don't have a choice, it's my duty. And to answer your first question..." Buffy closed her eyes, thinking about it. She came up with too many to think about, more than she could number. And though she didn't want to admit the truth, she knew she had to be honest with Dawn.

It was time for her to have to deal with a little bit of reality. "More times than I can count, in the last 6 years. I did die once, our first year in Sunnydale." Dawn gasped - she'd never known that! "And many times before and since. It's part of what I do, Dawnie. There are no guarantees, and I just have to keep trying. Even at times when I don't want to fight anymore... I don't have a choice."

"She's not the only one, Dawn. We all do it. Willow, Xander, Anya, Sam and me. Put our lives on the line so everybody else can be safe." Riley reached up and for a moment Dawn thought he was going to cup her cheek. Which brought up even more of the crush issues she'd dealt with last year. But instead, his hand went past her cheek to Buffy's and that soft look on his face was directly over Dawn's shoulder.

There was more love in that single look than she'd seen in her entire existence. No doubt now how Riley really felt about her sister. No doubt at all. "Buffy's the best of us. The best and the bravest. Bar none."

From the side, she heard Sam move in close. This time someone did touch her and it was Sam. Gentle brush of fingertips on her brow and an equally gentle smile. Little girl, poised on the threshold of being an adult. Too young to be exposed to all of this but it wasn't like there was a choice. And to be caught physically between Buffy and Riley was far too much for her to handle.

She felt nothing but sympathy for Dawn. Hard enough growing up without having a sister who was a superhero. One who attracted handsome men like a candle drew moths. They fluttered around her light and never noticed the other moths in the shadows. Never noticed the little girl with skinned knees and huge eyes and a heart that ached to be seen for something other than just the flame's kid sister.

Sam knew how Dawn felt. Knew exactly how she felt. Even from her cherished position within her husband's and her lover's heart, Sam knew how it felt to be on the outside looking in.

Dawn looked at Sam closely, ready to bristle if she caught any signs of pity in her sister's lover. But there were none to find; instead, green eyes filled with sympathy and gentleness met hers and Dawn felt her resistance to this woman fading. The older woman seemed to know exactly what she was feeling, knew how it felt to be in the shadow of a star.

With some of the icy reserve melting, Dawn offered Sam a small smile and held out her hand. An actual manifestation of the truce she'd promised Buffy, and silent thanks to Sam for understanding. Perhaps this was what Buffy had mentioned seeing in Sam, what made her love Riley's wife so much. The gentle understanding and willingness to offer sympathy. Even to someone who didn't like her.

Though she was caught in Riley's eyes for a time, Buffy was not unaware of the interaction between Dawn and Sam. She smiled when Dawn offered her hand and hoped that the truce would lead to friendship. Rather than disturb the silent communication between the two most important females in her life, Buffy quietly stepped around Dawn. She leaned her back against Riley's chest and felt his arms settle around her waist as they quietly watched.

The offer of the hand was enough for Sam. A hug might come later and it might not. And if it didn't she was okay with that. "You okay?" She murmured, her hand tightening around Dawn's.

That question was meant for Dawn so Riley didn't answer it. He held Buffy closer, kissing the top of her head as he watched his wife with Dawn. Watched the beginning of a friendship start to form. Proud of her, proud of both of them... of all of them.

In the kitchen, Dawn sighed and shrugged. Something inside her - or maybe it was in Sam - compelled her to give a completely honest answer to a question she'd dismissed by rote answers for the past year. "Okay? Well, no, probably not. My whole life is screwed up pretty much consistently. I..I don't know if I'll be okay again until everybody gets better." She slanted a look at Buffy, then looked down at the floor.

It wasn't just Buffy, it was her, too.

"It's all just so messed up. But... I think it might be starting to get better. A little." Another glance at Buffy, who seemed content in Riley's arms despite the concerned frown she wore. Her sister seemed more alive today than she had been in a long time. And that was an improvement... Dawn wanted her sister back, the one who teased and joked and ate ice cream and talked about boys.

Not the one who'd been barely living since she came back from the dead.

"Good. We'll do what we can. You promise to do the same? Talk to one of us when things get to be too much?" High school had been a nightmare. Being different from everybody else, not wanting to talk about boys at all and the girls' locker room nothing but sheer torture. Even if Dawn didn't choose to open up to her, as long as she talked to one of them things couldn't help be get better.

Sam was good at this. Better at it than he was which came as a bit of a shock to Riley. But he'd seen her with her own younger sister, watched how they interacted and there were hints of that here.

No explosion, there was going to be no explosion and maybe Dawn understood things a little better. Riley could always hope. It would make this easier for Buffy when they were gone if her sister was a help instead of another burden.

Buffy watched silently, her envy beaten down by her very real concern for her sister. If Dawn opened up to someone, anyone, it would be good for her. They both needed to get past their personal hurts before they could grieve together for their mom. But damn it... Sam was already a better sister to Dawn than Buffy herself was, and Dawn was her sister!

She made herself face it, and accept it; if it helped Dawn, Buffy would never breathe a word against this. Sam was just a better person, and she would have to live with that. She couldn't really blame Dawn for wanting Sam as a sister... Buffy'd fallen head over heels for Sam in an even shorter time. She was just so loveable, so incredible... so much everything that Buffy wasn't and never could be. Everything that she could never live up to.

Unaware of her sister's thoughts, Dawn nodded in answer to Sam's request. "I'll try to... if you think you'll have time for me." The admission wasn't hard to make, except that she didn't want to say it in front of Buffy. She knew her sister had more important things to do than sit and listen to her whine and cry... but that didn't mean that she wanted it that way.

Even though she knew Dawn hadn't meant her words as an accusation, it hit Buffy hard. Harder than she'd thought it would. Very carefully controlling her voice, Buffy spoke softly, "I'm sure we will, Dawnie. All of us." She pulled gently out of Riley's arms and sent a half-smile around the room. "If you'll excuse me, I need some air." Before anyone had a chance to reply, she was out the back door and down the back steps.

She knew she was running away, hiding... but she had to get away before the tears escaped and she ruined everything.

Dawn's panicked look spoke volumes to both of them and she was ready to bolt for the door when Sam's hand tightened on hers. "It's okay, honey. She just needs a few minutes. Why don't we go deal with the table?"

That left Riley to deal with Buffy and honestly, he was better equipped to do it. He knew her better, knew her longer... been in love with her for over two years instead of one day. He nodded in agreement to the unspoken command.

A few moments later, Riley was on the back porch, watching Buffy from under the eaves. She was in the shadows, her arms wrapped around her thin body... shivering.

While she probably needed the privacy, that wasn't how this was going to play out. His footfalls were muffled by the lawn, swallowed up by grass that needed mowing. His arms slid around her from behind, pulling her back up against his chest. Silent in his approach. Silent in his support. Whatever she had to say, whatever she had to do... he was going to be there for her.

The silence stretched out between them until she finally broke it. Hoarse voice laced with pain and the fight against tears. "You couldn't have picked a more perfect person to love, you know," she said finally. "She's everything I could never hope to be, so much better than I am at everything. And I love her as she is, but it's so hard..." She choked on the words, her voice cutting off.

It was a struggle just to breathe, and it wasn't until black spots sprinkled across her vision she realized she had stopped fighting for breath. Her chest felt tight, too tight, and even the shallowest breath was hard. And her breathing was shallow enough that it took several breaths before her vision cleared.

"She's not better. Just different." Riley said quietly into her ear. Kissed her right there, in the soft spot that usually made her moan. All it caused this time was another shiver. "Gray says she reminds him of me so much that it scares him..."

"Graham is right. She is very much like you. And you're better than me, too, same as she is." Another struggle, another breath... trying to force the air past the lump in her throat. "For Dawnie's sake, I'm glad if you guys can help. She needs someone, and I obviously can't help her. I can't even help myself. I hate this, hate me... why couldn't they have just left me dead?" Crying now, the tears unstoppable and uncontrollable.

Buffy's knees buckled, and she would have fallen if he hadn't been holding her. "I don't get it... I don't know why you stay, either of you. Sam's perfect, you're perfect... better for each other than any other couple I've ever seen. You don't need me, and I don't belong..." She stopped because she had to; her crying began to border on hysterical and she couldn't form words anymore.

The pain just welled up from inside, from the spring of hurts of the last six years. She obviously hadn't been good enough to keep Riley with her before... why should now be any different, when she was worse and not better?

"Hush," he said in her ear, turning her toward him. "Hush," in the other ear, urging her arms up around his neck. Giving her the strength of his body and of his damaged heart. She'd shattered him into little pieces, turned his entire world upside down more than once and he loved her for it. Buffy challenged him, made him question his place in the scheme of things and that was such a precious gift.

She was his conscience, the voice in his ear on every mission that made him look beyond black and white. The one that made him see evil didn't always wear a strange face and good didn't always come with beauty. Kept him from being nothing more than a killing machine. Buffy had been his last grasp at humanity, at the things Maggie would have burnt out of him. Riley was never going to let her go again.

Never again.

*****

 
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