Title: Bring Me Into the Light
AUTHOR: Mistress Ace & Em
E-MAIL: rosewood@inreach.com & winter@sapphire-dragon.net
FEEDBACK: Is the butter on our bread. We write because the story begs to be told. Feedback lets us know if we struck a chord with you.
DISTRIBUTION: Our site, for the moment. When we post fully edited chapters, those can be posted elsewhere. RATING: NC-17
CATEGORY: Story: Romance, Angst
SPOILERS: As You Were
PAIRINGS: B/R/Sam, m/f, f/f
DISCLAIMER: Don't own the characters at all. (More's the pity) They belong to the Great God Joss Whedon et al. We are just borrowing them for a little bit. That's all. No BtVS characters were harmed in the writing of this fic. Well, maybe just a little.
SUMMARY: Not back for long enough. Not nearly long enough and there were too many things left up in the air. But isn't that the purpose of fan-fiction?
 

Chapter 38

The knock on the door was just what he was waiting for. Riley opened it and stepped out into Sam's arms. She kissed him gently, held onto his shoulders and looked into his eyes. "Go easy on her. It's got something to do with Angel so none of the knuckle dragging routine."

"Got it," he murmured. Angel was a real sore spot but he was important to Buffy. The vamp was her first love and Riley knew he couldn't compete with that. If he tried, he'd lose and there was just too much at stake here.

They walked back into the main room and Riley's heart lurched. She was wearing a nightgown he'd seen only once or twice. One that he really loved. Not because it was sexy but more because it made her look like a little girl. Made her look like time hadn't touched her at all.

That is until she lifted her head from the contemplation of her pig. There was fear and pain and a kind of desperate hope in her eyes.

Buffy bit her lip, seeing him flinch when she looked up. Maybe this was a bad idea... maybe she should just leave. But no, she couldn't do that. That would destroy all hope of anything good in her life, assuming she even had the strength to do it. And she'd promised Sam that she wouldn't walk away. No, she couldn't give up without one last fight. And part of her wanted to believe that Sam was right and nothing would change.

She held onto that thought desperately; that scrap of hope was the only thing keeping her going. She had to do this. She had to, for all their sakes.

Riley settled in easily beside Buffy, pulling her into his arms while Sam poured him a drink as well. She set it on the nightstand beside the bed before climbing in behind Buffy. Gently Sam pulled the covers up over all of them.

It felt almost normal. Like they'd been doing this for years. Until Riley felt the hot drip of tears on his bare chest. Mr. Gordo was pressed into his side, glass eyes digging into his ribs. "Buffy... I'm here and Sam's here and we love you. What's going on?"

"There's just... there are so many things you don't know, that you need to. I realized that again today when Sam and I were talking." Her voice started out calmly, despite her tears. But as she continued, her voice cracked and then broke, "But you're going to get upset and what if you hate me? I caused so much pain, let so many things happen... I failed so badly, and even the people who were there with me don't really understand..."

So much pain, so many issues stemmed from the time she was about to describe for them. Perhaps in knowing the whole story they'd understand her better... or maybe they'd recoil in horror from the things she'd let happen. She had no way to know which way this would go.

"Buffy, everybody fails. Look how far I fell." He kissed the top of her head while Sam rubbed her back. Caretakers, both of them. Something Buffy desperately needed right now. "You don't love me any less because of it, do you?"

Riley felt Buffy's fingertips as they brushed the scars inside the bend of his elbow. He fought the harsh shiver that ran through his body, tamped down the bright surge of need. The desire for teeth rending his flesh, to be sucked into the maw of eternity and be lost... again.

"No... no, I don't. But I..." Buffy stopped and shook her head. "I'd better start at the beginning or you won't know what I'm talking about. I know you know a little of this, Riley, but I don't know what you told Sam. So I'm just going to start at the beginning and tell you the whole thing."

She felt them nod and took a deep breath. Their nearness and continued gentleness had calmed her somewhat, so she was able to speak clearly enough. She hoped it would last... this was going to be very rough. "When I first moved to Sunnydale and started Slaying here, this guy was following me around. He didn't talk to me much, mostly just dropped in to give me cryptic warnings if something big was coming up."

"My senses weren't active enough yet for me to know that he wasn't human, and his warnings were always worth heeding. He also saved my life on numerous occasions, so I trusted him. I didn't find out what he was until the first time I kissed him. He vamped out on me... they do that sometimes under intense emotion."

"I freaked at first, but it was too late... I already loved him. I learned later that he had a soul, and he killed his own sire to save my life. That's a huge no-no in vampire society, but he was already an outcast. He did it to protect me, because he loved me too... but we both knew it was wrong, we shouldn't be together."

"Angel," Riley breathed the name of his rival and in doing so, some of his animosity faded. Buffy was right, killing one's sire was forbidden. It just wasn't done. He'd learned that from talking to the vamps that fed on him.

Most of the girls had been junkies and whores in the world of the living. Their pimp got vamped and he turned his entire stable, exchanging one kind of vice for another. None of them dared stand up to him, none of them dared to buck the system even though he told them time and again all it would take was a stake.

Behind her, Sam nodded. It fit with some of the back-story Riley had told her although the sire staking was a real surprise. He'd never mentioned it and one look at his face confirmed that Riley hadn't known about it either.

Buffy nodded and continued the tale, filling in the events of the next few months. Her voice cracked when she told them about the prophecy of her death at the Master's hands, and Angel's part in saving her life. The race to the school, the battle with the Master and the dance afterwards. A summer spent away and returning in the fall.

How she kept him at a distance at first, unable to deal with anything and anyone related to her slaying. Breaking down in his arms after destroying the last of the Master's remains, releasing the pent-up trauma of dying. The way they slowly grew closer as he continued to back her up. Nights in the cemetery spent together, though she left out all but the barest hint about the late-night make-out sessions. There was no point in bringing that up.

"That was the year Spike showed up. I hated him, he hated me and he hated Angel. He and his crazy lover were both Angel's childer. They kidnapped him and tortured him with holy water," she told them. "I was able to rescue him, with help from Kendra."

Briefly she explained who Kendra was, the technicalities of her calling, and the connection she'd felt with the other Slayer. She also detailed why Spike had taken Angel, how they needed his blood to restore Dru's health. "Kendra and I broke into the church and kicked ass. We got Angel out... in the process I brought the organ loft down on Spike, which landed him in a wheelchair. But Dru was restored anyway. I don't know how they escaped, because we set fire to the church. But they did, which we found out later."

More information than he'd ever gotten about Spike which really made him wonder why she'd slept with him. Being cut adrift - he understood. She'd lost her mom and lost Giles so the moral compass was a little out of whack. And Spike could probably convince a snake that it could walk.

The vamp was slicker than any two-bit con man Riley'd ever met. If he hadn't been turned, the guy probably would've made a fortune selling snake oil and charming the locals out of their hard-earned money and their daughters out of their clothes. God... he hated Spike. More than he'd ever hated Angel.

Riley stroked her forehead, her hair. "Go on..." he prompted when she fell silent again. "I guess you patched Angel up, took care of him until he was strong again?"

Buffy nodded slowly. So far, he was taking this surprisingly well. There was no hint of the anger or jealousy that had always been there before whenever Angel had come up. She felt her fears settle a little, but knew the worst had yet to come. There was a little more to add after that, but then she came to the point just before her birthday.

She mentioned the party the gang had planned for her, and the arm in the fancy box that had tried to strangle her when she took off the lid. Learning about the Judge and what he did, the plan for Angel to take the arm far away. The ring he'd given her as she stood there, trying to say goodbye for what would be months. "But... then we got jumped by a bunch of vamps at the docks. In the end, they got the box and we retreated to Angel's because it was closer than my house. That night..."

Her voice broke again and she had to pause again, taking deep breaths in attempt to calm herself. "That night was the night he lost his soul. It was the first time we made love, but it really had nothing to do with sex. That doesn't equate with perfect happiness. But knowing I loved him, that I trusted him with my heart and my body... that he was my first love. That's what did it." Another pause, more deep breaths.

Her body shook as she recalled the next morning, and her voice was low and quivering. "I woke up the next morning, alone. Angel was gone. I got up and got dressed. Went looking for him. Couldn't find him anywhere and I though he was dead. That he want back after the Judge and got killed."

"I went back to his place and was about to leave again when he appeared in the doorway. He seemed different somehow... but I didn't know what it really was. He rejected me," she whispered brokenly, "Said I had been fun but not worth the trouble."

"So innocent, and so terrible in bed... but hey, maybe I would improve with time." Her voice mimicked Angel's as she quoted him, though not consciously... the effect was similar to her mimicking Spike, the twisted insinuations and deliberate cruelty showing up in her bitter, pain-filled tones. "And I ran away... I loved him, thought he loved me, and he… destroyed me."

Stunned into absolute silence, Riley stared up at the ceiling. He ran through what she'd said, played it over and over in his head. No wonder she looked so scared the first morning they'd woken up together. He knew for a fact that Parker made a point of never waking up with his conquests. And Buffy had only slept with Angel once, which meant he'd been the first guy who managed to stick around afterward.

Bastards. Goddamned bastards... both of them.

A whole lot of things fell into place. Her hesitancy, her disbelief when he told her how beautiful she was and how good she felt to him and how good she made him feel. The way she'd flinched the first time he'd undressed her, like she was ashamed of her body. How she'd tugged desperately on his shoulders the first time he'd kissed her down there, trying to pull his face out from the warm cradle of her thighs.

Sex had been used as a weapon against her and that sword was still cutting way too deep. He'd missed it. Missed all the subtle clues and not so subtle ones. There was a vampire in L.A. in desperate need of a staking. More in need of one than Spike.

His silence was finally broken by a clearing of his throat. Riley rolled onto his side, looking into her tear-filled eyes. He cupped the back of her head, broad fingers curving around the delicate bones. "He lied, Buffy. Lied through his teeth. Yes, you were innocent... still were when we started. But... God... you're so good."

"You are," Sam's quiet confirmation came with a kiss on Buffy's shoulder. "Better than anyone else. Better than any other woman I've been with." Crux of the problem. No doubt where Buffy's self-esteem issues started.

Buffy lacked the energy or inclination to argue with either of them... though it would take time before she really believed it, deep down. For now, though, she just nodded. Accepted their belief though she remained unconvinced.

She soaked up the attention from them for several minutes before continuing her story. "I took it really badly, though. You remember in psych class, Riley, when we learned about how rape victims reacted to what they'd been through? I was a lot like that... I started wearing overalls and baggy shirts, stopped wearing makeup or messing with my hair. I didn't care anymore, and I shut everything up inside."

"About the time I learned what had happened to Angel's soul was the time I separated my thoughts and feelings about the soul and the demon. The soul was my Angel, and he did love me. I kept believing that, because it was all I had. The demon was Angelus, and he hated me. I'd made the soul feel human, and he never forgave me for it."

"He went on a rampage... killed friends from school and Giles' girlfriend, Ms. Calendar. Because Ms. Calendar was part of the tribe that had cursed him to begin with, and she was working on re-creating the curse. So he killed her, and he left her in Giles' bed for him to find." Tears flowed down her face and the words were whispered through them.

"I failed Giles then, and it continued to happen for months. He looked like Angel and he knew everything about me that Angel knew, and I couldn't kill him. I wasn't strong enough, so my friends got hurt and terrorized. I woke up one morning with a drawing beside my bed... he'd been in my room and drawn a picture of me, sleeping. And I lived in fear, because he could have killed me then and didn't. He wanted to break me, to drive me crazy. And he almost succeeded."

"Jesus," her fear became his fear. He felt it clawing at his throat and Riley couldn't breathe. He wanted to yell, wanted to kill something, anything. Wanted to get in the car and drive down to L.A. Show up on Angel's doorstep with a crossbow.

But he couldn't do any of those things. If he did, Buffy would retreat even further into the hole she'd dug for herself. So instead, Riley pulled her closer. "I'm sorry, baby. I didn't know... and you couldn't tell me. The whole idea of Angel just made me crazy. He's... he's so much more than I am."

Riley's memory of Angel was a little dim, probably because of how much damage the vamp inflicted during their fight. That and Adam activating his chip immediately afterward. But what he did remember was telling. Big, broad-shouldered and the guy sure packed one hell of a punch. Arresting face too. Too striking to be handsome and too rugged to be pretty.

Silent throughout, Sam's arms tightened around Buffy. She was glad Buffy was telling them all of this, telling both of them. There were no secrets between her and Riley and Sam never wanted there to be. Secrets would destroy their relationship. Just as they'd almost destroyed Buffy and Riley's.

Very softly, her voice full of sympathy, edged with pain and self-deprecation, Buffy answered him. "Then you know how I feel about you and Sam, at least a little. But Angel isn't more, Riley. Just different. I mean, beyond the fact that he's getting close to 250 and has a demon-in-residence."

"But Angel, the souled version, isn't really what you think he is. He's very human, with all the faults and foibles that any human has. And like any human, he wanted to believe that love could overcome anything. He was wrong, and so was I. But we tried." She fell silent again, unsure if he, if they, wanted to hear the rest of the story. She was only about halfway through it, really.

"So what happened next?" Riley asked quietly. She's never opened up to him like this before. Maybe if she had, they could have stood a chance. And now that she was doing this, letting him in... letting both of them in, they really did have a solid chance at making this work.

No fireworks, no tantrums. Just a calm voice and calm hands. Sam's warm kiss on her shoulder, achingly soft. Riley's fingers in her hair, his mouth on her cheek, her eyelids, the bridge of her nose. Everywhere but her mouth. "Go on. We're listening."

"Things went on the way they were for a while. I couldn't kill him, but it seemed that he couldn't kill me, either. Then a demon trapped in stone was taken to the museum. Angelus took the thing and tried to wake it up. The demon was Acathla, and the legend went that he could only be woken by the blood of someone worthy. But if he was awakened, the first breath he drew would suck the world into Hell."

"Angelus tried to wake it, but he couldn't figure out how. So he kidnapped Giles, tortured him, and finally had Drusilla meddle with his mind - she was clairvoyant, among other things - until he told them what they needed to know. How to wake the demon." She paused, breathing deeply to calm herself again... they were helping, but telling them how badly she'd failed to protect her beloved Watcher cut deeply.

When she was calmer, she added the part she'd forgotten, about how Kendra had died and the gang had been hurt, and she'd had the police after her for murder. "But a strange thing happened. Spike came to me, looking to make a deal. He didn't want the world to go to hell... he liked it the way it was. So we made a deal - I'd let him and Dru leave town if he helped me rescue Giles." She filled in the details of the deal, the talk they'd had beside the police car.

After that came the part about her mom finding out about the Slayer thing and the huge fight they got into over Buffy's need to save the world. She added what she knew about Willow's attempt to re-curse Angel, but told them she hadn't learned about it until months later.

Then she took another deep breath and went into the details about the last duel with Angelus. How they'd fought and hurt each other, his taunts and how he had her backed into a corner. Her resolve to win, to beat him, that let her recover and resume the fight.

But then she stopped again, as she'd gotten to the really hard part. "I had him, in those last seconds, and I was about to take him out. But just before I moved, he made a strange sound and his eyes glowed. And he changed. That same, very subtle difference I'd noticed on my birthday. His soul had been returned to him."

"He didn't remember what had happened, what he'd done. But he saw that I was hurt and was worried for me. I had my Angel back, and it was too late," her voice dropped to a whisper and tears streaked her face. "As I stood there in front of him, Acathla's mouth dropped open. The demon was waking, and a portal was beginning to form in the air behind Angel. He didn't know what was going on, and I didn't have time to tell him. So I told him to close his eyes, and I kissed him... then ran him through with the sword."

"His blood and the special sword together was the only thing that could return Acathla to dormancy once the portal started to form. And it worked, but it sucked Angel into Hell. My Angel, the one with the soul...Who had no idea what he'd done. I sent him to Hell, for the good of the world... and I knew I'd lost everything."

The tears on Buffy's face were now matched by Riley's. He had no idea. No idea at all. She'd told him that Angel was cured but never told him she sent him to Hell right after it happened.

God. No wonder she'd been so hard to get through to. No wonder she'd fought him every single step of the way. No wonder she couldn't admit to loving anybody. Not after that.

Nothing he could say would make this better. All he could do, all they could do was hold her. And not let go.

Briefly, she told them about the summer following, ending with her own trip to the demon dimension known as Hell. Coming back home: her reunion with her friends and family. The fight with her friends over the way she left, and finding out that Xander hadn't told her about Willow's attempt to re-curse Angel. Angel's return, how he'd been so wild and she'd had to nurse him back to normal again.

The gentle love that had grown between them again, but strained because they both knew they could never allow anything to happen. Her eighteenth birthday, and the Cruciamentum. The revelation that Angel had been watching her since she was Called, and that he'd loved her since the day he saw her. Giles being fired because he cared too much about her.

Faith and the Mayor and how upset she'd gotten over Angel's pretending to be Angelus for a while. Angelus had done so much damage that seeing even a hint of him in Angel, even as an act, had tipped her world on its side again. Then the taunting from the Mayor; knowing that they could never be together again and having it shoved in their faces. Wanting to be close and yet still at a distance.

Angel informing her that he was leaving her so she could have a 'normal relationship' and how much it had hurt. The poisoned arrow, finding the only cure. The fight with Faith, and when that failed, her determination to save Angel's life, even if cost her own. Waking up in the hospital, alive but worn.

"That's when you got this, right?" Riley traced the line of her scar. He knew it was Angel's mark but never really knew the story behind it. She didn't let him bite her because of a sexual thing, she'd done it to save his life.

His own scars throbbed. They ached and they itched and he was ashamed of them. Deeply ashamed. Buffy's came from something noble. His were because of his own selfishness. He ran to the arms of another because the girl he loved didn't love him back. It didn't matter that he never had sex with those girls, he'd cheated just as surely as if he had bared his dick instead of his arms or his throat.

The worst part was... she did love him back. She just couldn't say it. Because if she said it, she'd be vulnerable again. Another man would have to power to hurt her and it would kill her. After Angel, Buffy couldn't open up. Couldn't put her heart on the line.

Being sorry wouldn't change what happened. Riley regretted it and would regret it every day of his life. But he couldn't change it. What he could do was change her future. Stay with her, prove to Buffy that not everyone who loved her would leave her. He and Sam would stay. Come Hell or high water, they would stay.

"Yeah, it is. Because of the circumstances under which I got it, I never cared that it scarred. It's never faded, either... I suspect that it never will, despite Slayer healing. All the others fade in a matter of months or sometimes years." She shrugged. It was a reminder of her sacrifice and how strong she had been. A signal maybe someday she could be that strong again.

She finished her tale, telling them about the plans for the Ascension, and the Ascension itself. "After the fight was over and the school was burning, there was a lot of mist and smoke. Through it, I saw Angel one last time. We stared at each other for a long moment... then he turned and walked away. He did it, he really left me. Despite everything. And part of me died inside."

Buffy was quiet for several minutes in effort to control her tears, then sighed softly, "I'm sorry I never told you before. I couldn't... I didn't know how. It was too soon, and it just hurt too much. I was a terrible mess that summer, or most of it. The Buffy you saw, that you knew... even if you think I'm so strong, you never saw me at a time when I really was. I'm damaged, broken... not what I once was. That's why I can't believe in myself..." she finished in a soft whisper.

She bit her lip and waited nervously for them to say something, anything. The silence was tormenting her, and she couldn't tell what was in their minds. Their arms around her, holding her tightly, were the only indication she had that they still wanted her there.

"We'll take you anyway we can get you." Riley's quiet words echoed what they were both feeling. His hands skimmed down her back, pulling Buffy in even closer. "Broken. Whole... shattered. Take you anyway we can get you. Love you Buffy... Always have, always will."

Acceptance was what she needed after all she'd been through. Riley accepted her and so did Sam. Kissing the nape of Buffy's neck, carefully avoiding the broad scar, Sam poured everything she could into that simple touch. The road to healing Buffy was going to be a long one.

But it was not an insurmountable task. They could do it. Together they could do it. Hold her close, bodily whenever they were in town and in their hearts when their duty took them elsewhere. The only thing they really had to do tonight was convince Buffy how serious their commitment was.

Buffy sighed softly and curled up against them. It was a huge relief, getting through the entire story... and they still loved her. Still wanted her. She was right in the middle of it and still not quite believing it... so she sunk into their embrace and just let the feelings wash over her. It was only the first step of healing, and she knew that... but one step in the right direction was a good start...

"Are you thirsty?" Riley asked, rolling over toward the nightstand. Not waiting for Buffy's answer, he picked up her drink and handed it to her. Talking tended to be thirsty work and it would give her something to do while she collected herself.

Sam sat up and picked up her own glass from the other nightstand. She took a few sips while she contemplated the spill of moonlight on the carpet. The drapes were open, left that way by the maids and they'd both chosen to keep them open. She and Ry were morning people and there was nothing like watching the world wake up at dawn.

Which made their chosen profession that much more perverse. Most of their work was done in the dark of the night and more often than not, they met dawn on the wrong side of sleeping. So they adapted.

They adapted to their internal clocks being turned upside down. They certainly could adapt to this. To having someone else in their lives and in their bed. Someone who was broken and needed their help.

There was a soft sound beside her and when Sam turned back to look, she found Riley kissing Buffy. A sight she could definitely get used to. The way they clung to each other, hands holding on like they expected to be torn apart at any second. Passion like that was rare. Most people went through their allotted time without ever feeling anything that deeply...

And Sam felt it for not just one but for two people.

Buffy clung to Riley, melting into his embrace and his kiss. Sam had been right... nothing had changed. If anything, his kiss was even more tender... but no less passionate. It warmed her, melting away the walls that had held her emotions inside for so long. Insuring that she'd never keep something like this from him again. And that was okay... she didn't need or want to hide.

But it would take longer for the scars to heal than for the walls to come down and stay down permanently. She knew that. They all knew that. And it was okay, because they were still with her. Still here.

"I love you," soft words spoken into her mouth. Each syllable an affirmation. Riley didn't care about Angel anymore, he didn't care. She'd finally told him her past and by doing so, she'd set him free.

Cleared up all of his fears and all of his doubts. Yes, she loved Angel. She'd loved him with all the passion that a young girl could give to her first love. Theirs was a Romeo and Juliet story, the hopeless kind of love.

The deadly kind.

But what they had, what he and Buffy and Sam had was different. None of them would lose their souls. They might lose their hearts and probably their minds because it was a little crazy... but none of them would turn into monsters.

Another kiss and then another and another. Satin sliding across his chest, slick catch of fabric on one of his scars and Buffy was underneath him. He fought it, fought the urge to just jerk the hem of her nightgown up and slide in between her thighs. Find his way into heat, into heaven...

Buffy kissed him again and again... loving it, but drowning in it at the same time. God, his kisses felt so good... but he was overwhelming her. It was too much, too fast, and she needed him to slow down. She wanted him and needed him, but she didn't understand what was driving him so hard... she didn't know how much she could handle.

Her hands went to his chest and pushed up, just enough... she felt him freeze, start to pull away, and she wrapped her arms around him again. "I'm sorry," she whispered, "I don't want you to stop... just slow down. Please... please, Riley..." She pleaded with him, begging him to understand and not be upset by it.

Captain Can Do had gone overboard. Again. Not surprising considering what they might be facing tomorrow. The night before a battle, he was always like this. Wound tighter than a drum and the only thing that would calm him down was... sex.

Sam was more than familiar with this particular behavior pattern. Probably because she shared it. Whatever Drum had told him, had to be bad. Otherwise, he'd be a lot smoother.

Reaching out, she brushed his shoulder and caught his eye. Dilated, pupils blown so far all that was left was a tiny rim of green. He dropped his head down into the curve of Buffy's shoulder, moving his arm so her nightgown didn't rub against it anymore.

"Sorry, Buffy," he said, words muffled against the pillow and her skin. "Give me a minute." It had risen so quickly. The relief and love had been swamped by his need for her. By the irrational fear Drum was going to send him somewhere he wouldn't make it back from. Prophetic dreams were Buffy's venue, not his...

Buffy nodded and cradled him gently against her body. Her fingers brushed through his hair and she hummed gently to him. She didn't know what had driven him so hard, though part of her suspected that it had to do with his meeting tomorrow. He was keeping something from her, though whether by choice or by orders she didn't know.

While Riley calmed, Buffy's eyes sought Sam's. Her other lover had been mostly quiet since she'd started talking... Sam was still here, and that said a lot, but Buffy wasn't sure what was going on in her mind. She seemed a little more distant, perhaps just thoughtful... but Buffy worried about her.

"It's okay," Setting her glass back down on the nightstand, Sam laid down beside her. Her hand smoothed over her husband's shoulder, petting him as he worked on reasserting control. "He gets this way... Usually before a drop. Loses control..."

Riley nodded his head but stayed silent. He breathed in Buffy's scent, vanilla sweet and enough to drive him crazy again. Had to get away from her, had to... but he couldn't. If he rolled away, it would be a rejection and they weren't going there.

Sam watched him struggle. Listened to the catch in his breathing and knew what he was going through. Nights like this usually ended up with him handcuffed to the bed and her riding him until they both fell into an exhausted sleep. Little too exotic of a scenario to spring on Buffy right now. "He'll be okay in a little bit."

Buffy nodded slowly, identifying with the emotion behind his struggle now. "I get like that after a big fight, usually... excess adrenaline or something. But..."

Her teeth caught her lower lip as she hesitated, but then she continued again, softer, "But I thought you just had a meeting tomorrow. That they hopefully wouldn't send you away. What aren't you telling me? And why did you let me think it was just a meeting if you think you'll have to go away?"

Her voice held traces of worry and fear... she knew they might be under orders not to tell her anything... but it was more likely that they didn't want her to worry about them leaving. But if that was the case, she'd much rather have been told ahead of time than had it sprung on her tomorrow morning...

"Drum didn't say much." Riley said as he rolled over onto his back. He looked up at the ceiling, wondering how much he should say. It might be nothing. It really might be nothing and they'd be worrying Buffy when there might be no need. But she'd been honest with them and they owed her the same courtesy. "Which usually means a drop. We're the best. Me, Sam and Gray... when something bad comes up, they send us."

"And you can't tell me when, where, for how long, or even if I'll ever see you again," she sighed heavily, sitting up again and wrapping her arms around her knees. "Have I told you lately that military rules suck?"

She rested her forehead against her arms, breathing deeply in effort to stay calm. **They will come back, they will come back,** she repeated over and over again. That mantra was keeping her from screaming, at the moment. She hated this, absolutely hated it.

"Not lately." Riley sat up as well but instead of saying anything else to her, he reached for his cell phone rather than the hotel phone. Dialed a number and waited while Sam slid her arms around Buffy.

"Amanda? Riley... Can I speak to the Colonel, please?" Startled, Sam lifted her head from where it rested on Buffy's shoulder. He was calling Drum at... 9:00 at night. When the Colonel was probably due on base at 04:00. Her husband had never done anything like this before. Never.

"Sir," Riley got to his feet, moving away from the bed and any possible distractions. "Sorry to disturb you at home. No... No problem with hostiles. Just had a question about tomorrow's meeting." He glanced at the phone itself. "Yes sir, secure line."

Buffy leaned back against Sam and rested her arms on Sam's; the contact was slowly reassuring her and she no longer wanted to scream. Both of them watched Riley, listened quietly. Sam seemed surprised, as if this sort of behavior was unusual... which probably meant that he was trying to do something to make her feel better about the situation. She felt guilty for her outburst... it was childish of her to resent the requirements of their job.

Especially because her acceptance of the job they offered her meant she would soon be bound by the same requirements. But she would feel a lot more secure when she was allowed to know where they were going when they had to leave her. She hated knowing that she would have to let them go, though.

Because between Riley's behavior and the hints he'd mentioned from their Colonel, Buffy was hit with the certainty that they would indeed be leaving. And it sucked.

"Situation?" One word out and a moment later, Riley sat down in the chair across from the bed. His jaw tightened, the only outward sign that his stomach had just hit rock bottom. The conversation was one-sided for a very long time while Riley stared at a point above Buffy's head. "Uh-huh... uh-huh. Yes sir. I understand, sir. You can count on us."

Drop. There was going to be a drop. Their vacation in Sunnydale was over. Sam's arms tightened around Buffy and she breathed in her lover's scent. Memorized it, right along with the increase in Buffy's heart rate and the way her body stiffened.

Riley's eyes dropped down to the bed as the Colonel said goodnight. "Thank you, sir. Lt. Finn and I will be there at 06:00 with a full report. Good-night." He flipped the phone closed and his expression said it all. Regret and resignation... all at the same time.

One look... all it took was one look into Riley's eyes and her world tipped again. They were leaving. Tomorrow morning, early. Leaving her. Not by choice, but leaving all the same. They would come back if they could... if they survived. But Buffy knew better than anyone just how dangerous this sort of fight could be. Her only consolation was they were the best team, and they would have the best backup the military could supply. The best technology, the best weapons, the best of everything.

But she couldn't go with them.

And that hurt more than anything.

*****

 
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